Draft time

Because I don't own 16 fantasy football teams, I only watched the first hour of the NFL draft. Here are my three musings:

- I almost threw up when the Jets passed on Matt Leinart.
- Leinart looked like his girlfriend just told him that she cheated on him with Warren Sapp.
- I think it's officially time that they expand the draft weekend, including the NFL lineman spelling bee, forcing Michael Irvin and Rachel Nichols to spell D'Brickashaw Ferguson, Mathias Kiwanuka, Halotia Nagata, Chijioke Onyenegecha.

Come you masters of war

While taking a break from watching a bowling event from 2001 on ESPN Classic, I happened to click over to Foxnews to see a moustachioed walrus John Bolton on a tirade about Iran. Let's just say I'm thankful that I turn 26 next week so I'll avoid a potential draft.


The International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) has found Iran in violation of orders by the UN Security Council, as well as found President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in ironic violation of peace sign usage. Ahmadinejad said Iran "won't give a damn" about UN resolutions, which prompted Bolton to suggest bringing a resolution. Seems logical.

Friday news roundup

- In frightening and obnoxious lesbian news, Rosie O'Donnell has been named the new cohost of the View, replacing Meredith Viera who is joining The Today Show. Star Jones immediately gained 300 pounds in order to remain "the fat one".

- Senator Barack Obama appeared with Preachy McGuilttrip (AKA George Clooney) at the National Press Club to discuss how bad Batman and Robin was. Wait, no. They talked about the genocide in the Sudan. Sadly, due to lack of media and public interest, they were the only two people in the room.

- Finally, in Americans are stupid news, CNN contacted 1,012 adults and asked them what they thought of the political figure "Hillary Clinton" or "Hillary Rodham Clinton". 50% of voters believed "Hillary Rodham Clinton" was favorable, while 46% found "Hillary Clinton" favorable. And that's why I hate America, folks.

A brief aside

As if my "readers" didn't already know this, sometimes I get a little bored. Along with my boredom, however, is an internal desire to do good. You know, to make people's lives better. So here is the Moderately Effed altruistic gesture of the day. Let's get this guy a threesome!

To be honest, if anyone wants to figure out a way to get me a threesome, I am all ears. I'd settle for a twosome.

Pandering fools

Fearing a Democratic victory in the midterm elections, Republican Congressional leadership is piping up over the recent gas price crisis with the only thing they know how to do: Tax cuts! Sweet, a hundred dollars. That will last about three weeks.

Oh, I forgot to mention that the proposal also highlights the other thing Republicans do well: assraping our natural resources. The Republican legislation also suggests opening up the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge, putting up an oil derrick in Central Park, and shooting a baby deer in the face. That last one will be "just for fun" according to Senator Chuck Grassley (R-IA).

With Exxon profits at just over $8 billion this quarter, one wonders if maybe President Bush should just set up a meeting with CIA Director Porter Goss, a rusty hammer, some rubbing alcohol, and outgoing Exxon CEO and noted hut Lee Raymond.

Musings

- Magic Johnson is producing a movie about Jason "JMAC" McElwain, the autistic high school basketball player who scored 20 points in 4 minutes in a game in February. Wow, first he meets President Bush and now Magic. What inarticulate former party boy will he get to hang out with next? I'm crossing my fingers that this will somehow lead to the television return of The Magic Hour.

- Presidential aide and famed dickbag Karl Rove testified before a grand jury for the fifth time this week, where he undoubtedly hemmed and hawed and claimed that Howard Dean was, in fact, the 20th hijacker. Here's hoping that Rove gets indicted, causing President Bush to really put his foot down and finally show Rove the door. To his new office. Which is not really smaller than his old office, just a little further away from the snack room. And it only has two windows instead of three.

- A Senate panel recommended that the administration abolish FEMA and start from scratch. I thought they did when they hired Michael Brown. I don't remember anyone complaining about the ineffectiveness and poor structure of FEMA in the 90's when they were actually doing a good job, but I guess there were more important things going on like blow jobs and cattle deals. I don't know about everyone else, but I am truly petrified that the agency that is responsible for the aftermath of terrorist attacks and other disasters is so disfunctional the the United States Senate is suggesting that IT BE ABOLISHED!!!

- Easy on the Lebron as Oscar Robertson/Michael Jordan/Larry Bird/Magic Johnson stuff alright? 7 of 25 from the floor, 1 of 6 from 3 and 2 assists (!!!) in 43 minutes in Game 2. Meanwhile, news reports have Steve Nash repeating as NBA MVP. A white Canadian point guard winning back to back MVP awards? I have a headache.

Snow Job

In the "cutting out the middle man" department, the White House officially hired Foxnews host and enormous talking head Tony Snow to fill Scott McClellan's position lying to the American public. I'm sure he will do a great job following in McClellan's sweaty shoes. I suppose the only way the administration is going to get any good press is if they start hiring the press.

The White House also announced the following hires:

- Rush Limbaugh was hired as Director of the DEA
- Chainsaw Al Dunlap was appointed Secretary of Labor
- Gargamel was nominated to be Surgeon General
- Benedict Arnold was brought on as National Security Advisor
- Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected Governor of California

Got a man of the people, says keep hope alive Part 2

I know this has probably been covered ad nauseum, but when I saw President Clinton's official portrait, I couldn't help from commenting.


Leave it to the Big Dog to have the only official White House portrait to highlight a President's penis. But my favorite part is the newspaper in his right hand. It says: "I'm educated, but I'll fuck you." Ah, memories.

Musings

- Military researchers have apparently been reading too many comic books. I have previously commented on the wonderful plan to implant neural sensors in sharks, but now we're talking about creating mutant humans, which while it would make a fantastic television show for the Fox network, seems just icky to me.

- The sales rep at Boston Sports Club spent 20 minutes telling me why I should join his gym, and used himself as an example as he described his workout routine. Did I mention he was about 260 and had an enormous gut? He also had an Andre 3000 style afro, and while that didn't dissuade me from joining the gym, it was very entertaining.

- I'm about 3 twists away from giving up on 24. Of course, I'm not serious; Jack Bauer could somehow end up as President and then turn out to be an evil agent and I would still be anxiously awaiting the next week's episode. But at what point do you start to wonder if the writers know they're writing a television series as opposed to just individual scenes or episodes? These guys are constantly forced to explain away inconsistencies, logical flaws, and simply unbelievable plot holes. I guess they're like the real government.

- Presiedent Bush's approval rating is at 32%. To put that in perspective, that is half of what President Clinton's approval rating was when he left office, following his impeachment and a truly embarrassing sex scandal with a girl he met on JDATE. So I think Bush's path to success is clear: he needs a series of surprisingly satisfying blow jobs from Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao:

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What scares me about Time Magazine

Time Magazine this week unveiled this creepy and frightening cover story on the dangers of incompetent doctors and dangerous hospitals. Finally, an advantage of not having health insurance. Take that, gainfully employed successful contemporaries with generous benefit packages!

I suppose there is some common perception that doctors are supposed to be above reproach; that they are the smartest of society and don't make the kind of mistakes that the rest of us do in our work lives. From my experience growing up with, attending college with, and socializing with future and current medical students throughout my life, I can say that while many of them are more honed than I could ever hope to be, they often exhibit the same kind of stupidity, alcoholism, carelessness, and recklessness that is usually reserved for those who work in finance and pharmaceutical sales. Doctors are simply people who have a better grip on science than the rest of us, have been rigorously tested on those issues throughout their life, and have been able to focus well. They are far from infallible and, from my experience, can drink me under the operating table.

As far as Time Magazine is concerned, I am so tired of the media creating a crisis which they will then headline on a website, nightly news program, or periodical. Anyone remember this?

Friday news roundup

- After posting the largest profits in their history last year, Exxon Mobil gave their outgoing chairman and noted butterball Lee Raymond a $400 million severance package, which seems fair because Exxon is clearly passing on their earnings to their consumers. So we're paying $3.00 at the pump and this fat bastard gets $400 million? Didn't he freeze Han Solo in carbonite?


- It's Election Day in New Orleans tomorrow, where voters will choose which mayor will destroy their city next. Incumbent Ray "Chocolate City" Nagin is considered a favorite, which is depressing and yet not surprising. Let's hope his Get Out the Vote vans mysteriously get stuck in the lot tomorrow morning. Call it Cajun Karma.

- John Kerry was quoted as saying he was "thinking hard" about running for President again in 2008. Think harder, Senator. Nobody likes you. Nobody liked you then, nobody likes you now, nobody will like you next year. The only reason you won the primary is because Iowa didn't want to vote for a 14 year old from North Carolina or a lunatic from Vermont or Dick Gephardt.

- Finally, in horribly frightening race relations news, in Nebraska, presumably to create a fundraising drive for the NAACP, the legislature voted to reorganized the Omaha school districts, resulting in primarily white, primarily black, and primarily latino segments. The legislation will be known as the Nebraska-Nebraska Act.

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry

This seems like a daily thing, but here is yesterday's hilarious court sketch from the Zacharias Moussaoiu trial:


Ho ho ho... Green fundamentalist!

Swing low Alabama

In the "Ooh, I guess we're a little late" department, the City Council of Montgomery, Alabama, officially apologized to Rosa Parks and four other black women for being mistreated during the 1950's and 60's. Also, the Alabama legislature passed a bill pardoning Parks and many others for violating segregation laws. In other news, Alabama State College finally changed their mascot to the Wildcats from The Jumping Jim Crows.

Why in the name of George Wallace did this take so long? Maybe they were busy being one of the stupidest states in the country? Or producing corrupt Governors, psychotic NBA players, and annoying 7-UP pitchmen?

Not wanting to be outdone, several celebrities quickly released the following apologies this week:

- Jimmy Fallon made an apology to the city of Boston for making Fever Pitch. It was rejected. He promptly became a Cubs fan.

- Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak apologized to the state of Israel for enslaving Jews. Charlton Heston accepted.

- Tom Cruise apologized for ruining Katie Holmes.

- President George Bush apologized to gays, the poor, the elderly, vetarans, environmentalists, the nation of Iraq, the families of the people lost on 911, in Hurricane Katrina, in the Iraq War, and to diseases that could have been cured by stem cell research, finally taking full responsibility for all of his administration's failures. No, he didn't.

If ye cannot bring good news, then don't bring any

Great... Moderately Effed takes a break and the two biggest news stories in the history of mankind break: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes gave birth to an entity and Scott McClellan "resigned" as White House Press Secretary.

Cruise and Holmes named their baby daughter Suri, which means "princess" in Hebrew, "red rose" in Farsi, and "will be in need of severe and intrusive psychotherapy by age 5" in Klingon. Would anyone object if the we started treating two Scientologists like first cousins? You know, no one's going to make a fuss if you sleep together, but once you decide to further poison the gene pool by attempting to procreate, that's when the government steps in?

And then good old Lyin' Scotty McClellan announced his resignation. Ironically, none of the press corps actually believed him. McClellan explained his departure by talking about the inherent need for change in the White House and how a new chapter in his life would be starting. Asked what his plans for the future were, he responded: "Saddam Hussein was a grave threat."

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Sometimes you just gotta say what the fuck

Tom Cruise AKA Beldar Conehead said this today:

"I'm gonna eat the placenta. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I'm gonna eat the cord and the placenta right there."

All I want is to have my peace of mind.

Well, my move back to Cambridge was completed yesterday, in predictably spastic fashion. Two buses, one bacon and egg cheese sandwich, one flaming garbage can, one wrong turn in Connecticut by the driver, and one supremely embarassing moment in the subway, and I have arrived. Insurance agents everywhere should be nervous.

Just to be specific, I set a garbage can on fire with a cigarette butt and then my 100 pounds of luggage and I got stuck in the revolving door exit of the Central Square T station.

But, I made it.

A Good, good Friday

Although I had said that Moderately Effed was taking a break to celebrate the murder and sacrifice of our lord and savior Jesus Christ, this headline from Foxnews caught my eye.

All right, case closed! In North Carolina, you're legally allowed to rape drunk women, right? And if they're strippers, then that permits you to gangrape them. That was all hashed out during reconstruction. Luckily she wasn't on rohypnol, or she would have been murdered.

I love that dirty water

So, Moderately Effed will be taking a short break while I attempt to find my sense of humor, which was last seen around the State of the Union. I will be enjoying all sorts of Manischewitz products, discussing a band of evil angels, and watching Met games.

I will also be emerging from my undisclosed location and making my triumphant return to Boston next week, where I will officially begin my attempt at finding a new career, which will most likely involve me writing and hoping that I am discovered while toiling away at an office somewhere. And watching Met games.

The prospect of Boston has made me the happiest I've been in well over a year. So, my brief reconciliation with the state of New York is coming to a close as I head back to Massachusetts, where I will redevelop a drinking habit and become bitter all over again. Wish me luck!

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Whoa.

How long can you hate yourself for the weakness you conceal?

I had a phone interview today, and the guys on the other end of the call luckily stayed away from the "What's your weakness" question that seems to plague every single interview I've ever had. For that reason alone I should want to take this job. A few weeks ago on another interview, I told them my weakness was I tended to have strong opinions, which to put it mildly did not go over well. Within five minutes, she actually asked me if I had a problem with authority. Bitch.

A friend gave me the advice that you have to give the interviewer no room to work with on that question, so you should give answers like: "I'm too detail oriented", "I tend to take work home", or "I have too much energy." He also suggested: "I have to masturbate every day at noon, no exceptions."

I find these weakness questions pointless; what idiot (other than me) is going to reveal their enormous character flaws in an interview? It's like telling a first date that you come too quick or that you are really attached to your mother. Or me telling an interviewer that I procrastinate, lose focus easily, live in the past, browse Myspace for 2-3 hours a day, have an inconsistent jump shot and miss easy layups, take forever to return a phone call, get distracted by the wind, haven't gotten laid in forever, have a terrible relationship with my father, can't hit a baseball anymore, sleep 10 hours a night, haven't increased my bench press in 3 weeks, am infatuated with girls I'll never get and ignore girls I can get, own two pairs of shoes, have never gotten a good haircut, eat too much chocolate, am insecure, listen to the same songs over and over, and have a credit score of absolute zero.

So, who's hiring?

Musings

- Is it ironic that I own two copies of Anthem?

- At what point in life do you stop looking to cheat hotels by sneaking extra people into rooms? My friends and I are going to a wedding in June and we've already decided we're sleeping 5 to a room. But, we're Jewish, so isn't this expected?

- Vito in leather outfit at gay bar = Kathy Bates naked in About Schmidt. Scenes like that make me wish Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was a documentary.

- If someone finds my sense of humor, please contact me immediately.

You might like to eat bread

Passover is just around the corner, where Jews all around the world will recline slightly and drink staggered cups of wine at unpredictable intervals. The third leg of the Talmudic Triple Crown, during this holiday Jews have to sacrifice bread and good tasting ketchup for eight days in order to be miserable. Or something.

Passover will always have an important place in my heart, as I have fond memories of going to elementary school with a salami and matzah sandwich wrapped in aluminum foil and an apple. Thanks, Moses. It is my favorite Jewish holiday, mostly because of the tradition and because matzah + cream cheese + raspberry jelly = crazy delicious.

Talmudic Triple Crown rundown (In order of Jewatulance):

3. Passover: Can't eat leavened products. Get to watch the Ten Commandments. Dessert limited to joyva gel rings.

2. Rosh Hashana: Happy New Year!!! Or, rather, sad new year. Two days off from school unless it falls on a weekend when it's useless. Forced to throw bread products into body of water.

1. Yom Kippur: The Belmont Stakes of Judaism without the horses but still focused largely on Long Island. Has war named after it. 24 straight hours of prayer with the added bonus of not being able to eat or drink. Thanks, Leviticus.

Friday news roundup

- Scooter Libby reportedly testified that President Bush and Vice President Cheney instructed him to leak classified intelligence to the New York Times. Wow, has there ever been a more unsurprising piece of news? Meanwhile, Chuck Schumer valiantly endeavors to raise the roof.


- A judge in England found DaVinci Code "author" Dan Brown not liable for copyright infringement in a case brought by two fellow writers. The judge did, however, find him guilty of being loquacious and pretentious, which in England is actually rewarded.

- Cynthia McKinney finally apologized to the Capitol police after her unfortunate "Punching a cop in the face" incident last week. No word on when she is going to apologize to Erykah Badu for stealing her haircut or the American people for ever getting elected.

- Not really a news update, but after berating a movie theater manager for showing the "United 93" trailer yesterday, I accidentally overflowed a urinal, which I did not believe was scientifically possible.

Frightening Drudge headline of the week

Oh no!!! Immigrants are going to come over our borders and kill our football coaches! Better put up that wall! Then no one will ever die again. Of course Drudge would never tell the whole truth in his ellipses based commentary. The illegal immigrant in question accidentally smashed into the car of the football coach; he didn't kill him with a burrito or a sombrero.

And all my uphill clawing

In Office Space, there is a discussion about what the respective characters' lives would be like if they won $1,000,000. Of course, the goal there is to figure out what you should do with your life; what will make you happy and what will fulfill you.

Is there supposed to be an ultimate answer to this? I look at my family and some older friends, and I see many of them unfulfilled with the jobs and careers on which they have spent their entire lives. In many cases, they have sacrificed personal happiness for financial stability; in many cases, they have sacrificed financial stability for what they thought would bring them personal happiness. And rarely have I found people who have achieved that desirable mixture, that combination of professional and personal happiness along with financial independence.

When asked the question about how their job is going, invariable the answer is: "Oh, you know, working away," or "They're busting my ass" or "I'm looking for something different." I would say that probably 5 percent of the friends I went to college with are working in jobs or careers they really enjoy; that they could envision continuing for the rest of their lives. And the majority of that 5 percent are those who went to law school or medical school. Although I can think of several of them who have no idea why they decided to get a law degree. A career, a post graduate degree, a commitment in life has to be more than "something to do." It has to be more than a way to pass the time, a way to make $150,000 a year, and a good answer when attending your college reunions.

I'm not certain where any of that leaves me. I have struggled with this over the past four years; what do I have to show for my life so far? A string of losing campaigns, a couple hundred dollars, a suitcase in the corner of a room that I can't possibly call my own, and broken relationships with women, friends, and family? Why am I unable to take a job or go down a career path that I am unhappy with? What makes me better than the 150 million other Americans who go to work every day waiting for 5:00 to roll around? What makes me better than my parents, or my grandparents?

So, my answer? Two chicks at once.

I suppose I could collect my books and go on back to school

In other bizarre pedophilic news, this teacher has been accused of having sex with her 13 year old student 28 TIMES IN ONE WEEK:


First of all, that shatters my record by about 23 times. Moreover, look at her! Peter North couldn't fuck this woman four times a day. Didn't she fall on Reggie Jackson at the end of The Naked Gun? This kid is either blind and lacks tactile function in his hands or he has a fantastic future in adult films.

The ladder of law has no top and no botton

I didn't want to comment on this story, but it's just too awful not to. In a nutshell, Deputy Press Secretary of the Department Homeland Security Brian Doyle, the guy who is somewhat responsible for disseminating information to the public about terrorist threats and general incompetent goings on at DHS, attempted to disseminate something else in or around a police officer he thought was a 14 year old girl.

This story is being subsumed somewhat by Tom Delay's cowardly yet shrewd exit from his congressional race and Cynthia McKinney's continuing slide towards Bellevue, but the details of this are a bit scary; Doyle told the "girl" that he worked for DHS and gave her his home, cell phone, and government cell phone numbers. Yikes. What kind of vetting does the Bush administration do? Do they even ask questions of job applicants, or is just more of a turnstyle?

No joke here. This is just really, really awful.

Listen to the words long written down, When the man comes around.

It's time for Moderately Effed's "Monthly Three horseman of the Apocalypse Update":

1) Scientists postulate that Jesus walked on ice drifts, not water? Check.


2) Suge Knight declares for bankruptcy? Check.


3) Katie Couric signs on to be CBS' evening anchor? A very perky check.


Every month, I think I see indications of end times, and every month, the final battle between good and evil is postponed. Regardless, I'm converting to Christianity and absolving my sins. A woman delivering the news? Cerberus can't be too far behind.

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Original name of contest: Decapitate smug British douchebag with Mickey Mouse's disembodied hand.

Sometimes it's just plain stupid

It's a monumental day, and I don't mean because AROD finally had a clutch hit. The Daily News has finally come up with their stupidest headline ever. Granted, there aren't a lot of things that rhyme with Mousse, but why force it? Personally, I would have preferred: ZACHARIAS MOUSS-OWEY!!! Maybe I would have better luck with the Post.

I am also impressed with the above the fold treatment of the Lloyd Grove interview with Russell Simmons, which shows me the News' correct priorities:

1) Psycho/Billionaire music executive divorces.
2) World Terrorism.
3) Yankees.
4) Mets. Once again we get the short shrift.

Musings

- The Mets are undefeated and Tom Delay is resigning from Congress. The only way life could get better is if I was able to catch an advanced preview of Snakes on a Plane.

- How weird does it make me that I watched Fever Pitch solely for the background shots of Boston? Sigh.

- Worst Final Four ever.

And I'm so glad, yes I'm so glad

Despite the embarrassing final four games on Saturday night, today provides, in my opinion, the greatest day in a sport's fan life; Opening Day of baseball season and the NCAA championships. Throw in a new episode of 24, and I've got it all! Except for social interaction, intellectual stimulation, or overall happiness. But, hey, how much can you ask for?

I guess I'm going with the masses in picking Florida tonight, because I always pick teams who have at least one important white player. And Billy Donovan really needs to win a title, because if he doesn't get a win, I think he has to go back to running that Dodge dealership in Gainesville.

Couple musings:

- I'm not sure that there ever been a movie that I want to see less than Slither, with the exception of Big Momma's House 2 and Brokeback Mountain. On the other hand, there has never been a film that I have wanted to see more than Snakes on a Plane. And, I'm talking like Larry King.

- Glen "Big Baby" Davis = a very poor man's Stanley Roberts.

- I'm about two drinks away from proposing to David Wright.