I didn't forget the anniversary

One year ago, out of fatigue and boredom and fatigue of boredom, I sat down at my friends apartment in Cambridge and wrote my first blog post. Within the next 24 hours, I wrote 5 more. I was quickly hooked, and occasionally funny. As the winter pressed on and as a brief stay at home turned into three months in the cold New York mountains, I wrote and I wrote and I wrote. I wrote to make myself laugh, I wrote to make Paul laugh, and I wrote to keep my sanity as I decided how exactly I was going to live the rest of my life. Or the next year or two -- whichever.

So I wrote. I wrote about The War on Christmas. I wrote about Fitness Celebrity John Basedow. I wrote about Saturday Night Live. I wrote about the hot toll booth worker on the Mass Pike. Twice. I wrote about embarrassing myself in front of Stevie Van Zandt. I wrote about how much I want to hate fuck Maureen Dowd. I wrote about arrogance. I wrote about ego. And again.

I wrote about Vince Young and Jack Abramoff. I wrote about Joe Biden and Stephen Baldwin. I wrote about the gym and the dentist.

I wrote about The State of the Union. I wrote about Dick Cheney: Big Game Hunter. I wrote about how much I hate Michael Brown and how big Bono's ego is. I wrote about evil movie villains, my predictions for 2006, and Michael Chertoff.

I wrote about the NBA all star game, President Bush's resume, funny slogans, Isaiah Thomas, and Elimidate. I wrote about Governor Schwarzenagger and Don Knotts. I wrote about transexuals and Barry Bonds, and sometimes both.

I wrote about my hatred for Aaron Karo. I wrote about evil and I wrote about pride. And vanity. I wrote about the Final Four and the sad state of our army. I wrote about finding out that I was part French, I wrote about torture, and I wrote about longing.

I wrote about Drudge, Carlos Boozer:Landlord, my hair, and Chinese buffets. I wrote about holocaust reenactments, Cynthia McKinney, CNN, and Mark Warner.

I wrote about the Daily News, Jewish Holidays, and my (many) faults. I wrote about Alabama, that fat fuck who ran Exxon, ego again, and a Snow job.

I wrote about Mr. T, Myspace, and ego once more. I wrote about my lookalike, and the hot girl with the t-shirts. I wrote about Chris Dodd, Bill Frist, Saddam, and why New York sucks.

I wrote about the Greyhound Bus, Evites, Al Gore, and toilets. I wrote about golddiggers and the Miami Heat. I wrote about the Mets, Star Jones, and greed.

I wrote about Laura Bush, CNN, Tom Delay, identical twins, and NYPD Jew. I wrote about a holy war and Cobra Commander. I wrote about Verizon and Mel Gibson.

I wrote about Joe Lieberman and Ned Lamont. I wrote about Neil Young and Osama Bin Laden. I wrote about Pluto and that hot girl with the t-shirts again. I wrote about betrayal.

I wrote about Uganda and Radical Islam. I wrote about spinach and cut and run. I wrote about Rosh Hashanah and a Texas Jewboy.

I wrote about why I should never go on vacation again and I wrote about the Mets and how they broke my heart. I wrote about Hillary Clinton and Chuck Norris.

I wrote about the election and John Kerry:Nimrod. I wrote about Dick Cheney:Big Game Hunter (again) and Don Rumsfeld. I wrote about bliss and pandering. I wrote about OJ, Dixiecrats, and bestiality. And I wrote about Thanksgiving.

It's been a whole year since I started writing in this space. My readership has ebbed and flowed -- mostly ebbed. Nearly all of you who read this I know, most I know very well. I've gotten good feedback and bad. I've been funny and not funny. I've been intellectual and preachy. I've been smart and pretentious. I've been insightful and obvious.

Unless Paul hits it big and gets me a job with The Daily Show, I'll keep writing, and hopefully I'll crack into 15 hits a day. Thanks for reading.

Vulgar, when brought to light...

When this picture came into the public view years ago, I can safely say that most people were shocked. Sure, they were shocked that Yale allowed its cheerleaders to play rugby and that the guy President Bush was punching had all of his limbs (see Cleland, Max), but I can tell you I wasn't surprised that Bush was dirtily punching an opposing player in the head.

We all have run across these guys throughout our lives -- from the jerk who beat us up in Middle School to the guy who shouldered you a little too hard when he bumped into you in the hall in High School to the guy who set dirty screens and picks in college pick games to the guy who always pointed out to your boss when you were late or not at your desk. I think the word I'm looking for is douchebag?

If President Bush was in his 20's now, is there any doubt he would be waxing his chest, spending 4 hours at the gym, summering at the Hamptons, hanging out in the Meatpacking district, drinking Vodka and Red Bulls, working at a sleazy brokerage house, wearing stripe shirts, living in Murray Hill and sleeping with a different girl every night and never calling any of them back?

So nothing he does is a surprise anymore -- to me he has become the embodiment of every asshole, every jerk, every moron who thinks he's a lot smarter than he actually he is. He is the bully.

I came across this little nugget today, about a brief meeting between the President and Democratic Senator elect Jim Webb:

At a private reception held at the White House with newly elected lawmakers shortly after the election, Bush asked Webb how his son, a Marine lance corporal serving in Iraq, was doing.

Webb responded that he really wanted to see his son brought back home, said a person who heard about the exchange from Webb.

“I didn’t ask you that, I asked how he’s doing,” Bush retorted, according to the source.

What a douchebag.

Uh oh

More gone than Freeman

Happy Thanksgiving (To my 12 readers!)

I will be away until Monday like everyone else, unless something funny happens to me on my way home, in which I'll case I'll make sure to update this space.

Today President Bush will pardon a Thanksgiving turkey, and two weeks after his party was given a thumpin', a senior aide was beaten in Hawaii, and his non-drunk daughter was mugged (and her Secret Service agents beaten) in Argentina, one can only postulate that the turkey pardon is some grand attempt at appeasing the spiritual forces above. Maybe if he allows this one fowl to live, God will return order to the universe and make 90% of the American people agree with him again. Maybe if he pardons one animal, it will make up for the 150 people he didn't pardon and were executed when he was Governor of Texas. Maybe if he shows sympathy to this turkey, his detractors worldwide will finally understand his good will and course to democracy and freedom.

My guess? He pardons the turkey, but attaches a signing statement to the pardon and then eats the turkey.

A Very Special Tuesday News Roundup

- Michael Richards, best known for his hilarious cameo in So I Married An Ax Murderer, apparently flipped the fuck out. While doing standup on Friday night in Los Angeles, he was heckled by two black guys, to which Richards inexplicable responded by calling them niggers and hearkening back to the 1950’s south. Bob Sacamano expressed deep disappointment.

- Fox cancelled the publishing of OJ Simpson’s confession book and TV special, citing an error in judgement in commissioning the project to begin with. Simpson, however, stands by murdering Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman.

- John Kerry has slipped in the polls for President in 2008 in the aftermath his verbal gaffe insulting American troops. He recently clarified it again, claiming he meant to say "you need to study hard, or else you'll run unsuccessfully for President, make a complete ass out of yourself, and then flail wildly trying to maintain relevance."

Are the fires of hell a-glowing? Is the grisly reaper mowing? Yes, the danger must be growing

"Hey, Vlad, am I high again? Hey, is that an Oompa Loompa?"

President Bush continued his visit to Vietnam, where this time he met with world leaders and they dressed up in ridiculous outfits and posed for awkward pictures and some press person got fired. My favorite is the guy in the yellow.

Bush today is Indonesia, a country known for reallllllly hating him, so this ought to be fun. I expect bitter protests followed by fat Republicans feigning indignity. Good times.

In other news, gravely voiced Democratic Congressman Charlie Rangel has once against proposed a military draft, an idea he has floated in the past but now since the Democrats will be in the majority, fat Republicans will feign indigity and start signing their kids up for the Coast Guard. In response to Rangel's plan, President Bush revealed that he and his entire family was gay.

Friday News Roundup

- President Bush is visiting Vietnam this week. I can't even come with an appropriate enough ironic joke here, so I'll just come out and say it: PRESIDENT BUSH DODGED THE DRAFT, WENT AWOL FROM THE THE NATIONAL GUARD, AND HAS SPENT SIX YEARS WAR MONGERING AND SMEARING PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY WENT TO WAR, GOT WOUNDED, AND ONE GUY WHO LOST BOTH LEGS AND AN ARM. All right, I feel much better now.

- All right, not done yet. The President said that the US could draw lessons from Vietnam for our current war in Iraq. The lessons? Get your rich and powerful dad to bail you out of fighting and then get drunk and high and have sex with lots of women, then get married, get sober, find Jesus, buy a baseball team, run for Governor, steal the Presidency, invade a country, and then send poor people to get stuck in war against people who are exceptionally determined to win. So... I guess the lessons are for the President's nephew, Pierce Bush? Haha, know what I'm sayin?

- The Playstation 3 was released last night, causing a near riot at a mall in Boston, a shooting in Connecticut, and also awkward encounters between 35 year-olds who still live with their parents.

- Ohio Representative John Boehner was again tabbed by the House Republicans to be their Minority Leader, to which he responded, "For the last time, it's pronounce BAY-ner". Barney Frank expressed disappointment.

Animals havin sex with 'em

Two posts in a day is becoming more prevalent for me, but only because I browse Drudge and sometimes he really finds hilarious stories. Here are my two favorites of the day (both featuring animals) aside from Nancy Pelosi's bug-eyed ascension to Speakerette of the House and Jack Murtha's bloated descension from Majority Leader:

Animals having sex with 'em
A guy had sex with a deer carcass in Minnesota, and his lawyer claims that the particular act of bestiality is not illegal because the deer was dead. The money quotes from the article, which are mindboggling:

...“The statute does not prohibit one from having sex with a carcass,” Anderson wrote.

Judge Michael Lucci heard the motion Tuesday.

“I’m a little surprised this issue hasn’t been tackled before in another case,” Lucci said.

The Webster’s dictionary defines “animal” as “any of a kingdom of living beings,” Anderson said.

If you include carcasses in that definition, he said, “you really go down a slippery slope with absurd results.”

Anderson argued: When does a turkey cease to be an animal? When it is dead?

When it is wrapped in plastic packaging in the freezer? When it is served, fully cooked?

A judge should decide what the Legislature intended “animal” to mean in the statute, he said. “And the only clear point to draw the line in that definition, I believe, is the point of death.”

Assistant District Attorney James Boughner said the court can use a dictionary to determine the meaning of the word, but it doesn’t have to...

Holy smokes! The District Attorney's name is Boughner, the article used the term slippery slope, and the judge is surprised the issue of a guy having sex with a dead animal hasn't come up before????

Dogs and cats, living together -- mass hysteria!
A cat had six kittens, three of which look like dogs. The cat's husband promptly filed for divorce.

Capitol Hill Update

- Incoming Senate Majority Leaders Harry Reid said his relationship with fellow Nevada Senator John Ensign is close, but not "a Brokeback Mountain situation". Ensign agreed, calling it "much more physical than that."

- Jowely onetime crooked Congressman Jack Murtha claims he has enough votes to beat Steny Hoyer for the position of House Majority Leader, but just to be sure, he's planning to bribe all of the undecideds. Hoyer blasted Murtha for "ethical lapses, and stealing my idea to bribe all of the undecideds."

- Trent "I still think segregation was underrated" Lott is settling back in the Senate Leadership, where as I noted yesterday he will be the Minority Whip, which, of course is a better title than the one he suggested, Minority Noose.*

- And finally, it's Freshman orientation week in Washington, where newly elected Congressman and Senators will get really drunk, talk about how much they love John Mayer, and have sex with each other. Wait, I think I'm confused... No, I'm right.

*Credit to PK, again

Who ever heard of a civil war, anyway?

Oh, awesome! In order to stem the tide of Democratic wins in the House and Senate, and the view that the Republican party is out of touch and corrupt, the Senate Republicans voted in Trent Lott as their Minority Whip!!! Haha!!! Lott was of course booted out of leadership when he suggested that the country would have been better off if we had elected Strom Thurmond President in 1948. And in 1864.

This completes the "Dumb Leadership Decisions" by the Congressional leadership of each party, after Nancy Pelosi handpicked Jack "I almost took that bribe" Murtha to be Majority Leader, the Senate Republicans picked Lott, and soon to be House Minority Leader John Boehner chose this dark horse to be his top Lieutenant:

"He'd be Orenthal the bus driving murderer"

The Juice is back in the news, this time confirming a rumor of a news story that broke a while back -- he will appear on Fox TV in an interview with book publisher/Bernie Kerik mistress/absolute bitch Judith Regan, where he will discuss how he would have killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, if he had committed the murders.

There is significant conjecture about what technique OJ would have used, although my guess is he would have done it EXACTLY THE SAME WAY HE DID IT the first time, except this time he wouldn't have left his bloody glove, a trail of blood leading to his house, blood in his car, more iterations of blood, a note with the bodies that said, "Sorry Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman for murdering you, Love, OJ", and a book, "Murdering Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman and Me: It is my bag, baby" by OJ Simpson.

Fox toyed with the title of the interview, trying to incorporate in their normal themes of midget/millionaire marriages and and alien autopsies while watching Cops, but eventually settled on: "O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened", beating out their second choice, "O.J. Simpson: I Did It, Here's How It Happened". Some of the other rejected titles:

"O.J. Simpson: Here's to you, Double Jeopardy! Also, I did it."
"O.J. Simpson: I am trying to drive Fred Goldman insane. I also did it."
"O.J. Simpson: I still have my Heisman. And I did it."
"O.J. Simpson: When does this check clear? By the way, I did it."

Never did no panderin'

"I really admired your father's work. I especially enjoyed Christine. That car was scary! Also, Cujo."

President Bush today met with every black person in the United States to commemorate a new monument on the National Mall to honor The Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Bush highlighted King's contributions to the civil rights movement, as well as his role in "that hilarious movie with Chevy Chase and the Mexicans? Oh, no, that's Steve Martin."

The meet and greet also presented the hilarious opportunity of a three way conversation between Jesse Jackson, the Reverend Al Sharpton, and President Bush, which could have gone down as the most awkward confrontation ever if not for every time Bill and Hillary Clinton pass each other in the hall of their house in Chappaqua.

In honoring the monument as well as Dr. King, Bush spoke of the "long tradition that us Republicans have of honoring dead Black people. Not so much the living ones, but we're working on that."*

* Half of that joke by PK

Friday News Roundup

Once again, welcome to The Winter of Our Content.

- Good old Heebie Macaca conceded to Jim Webb in the Virginia US Senate race yesterday, giving control of the Senate to the Democrats. Allen of course appeared at his concession speech with a football and a hangman's noose. Commented Webb: "I can't believe I won considering how little respect I have for women. I mean, wow."

"I'm fucking pissed! How do you think I feel, obscure racial slur for African-American that I hope no one here understands!"

- With the Senate and House now firmly in the hands of the most likely incompetent Democratic leadership, Republican National Committee Chairman, former Bush/Cheney 04 campaign manager, and noted homo Ken Mehlman is stepping down from his post at the RNC. Mehlman is shown here in a hilarious file photo, contemplating god knows what:

- And the revolving door in the administration continues, as mustachioed walrus John Bolton will not get past his Senate confirmation, and will most likely end up making millions in the private sector and yelling at a whole new breed of employee. His replacement? Yosemite Sam.

- And finally, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the biggest story of the week, nay, the year, nay, the decade. Britney Spears and K-Fed (now dubbed by the media as Fed-Ex) have split up, with Britney apparently attempting to divorce him before she was responsible for buying his white trash ass another year's worth of sneakers and wife beaters. K-Fed is seeking custody of their two future coke addict children, as well as sneaker money, while Britney is seeking the erasure of her memory for the past two years and a full body delousing.

Ain't talkin', just walkin'

The Winter of Our Content continued yesterday, when Secretary of Defense Don Rumseld "resigned" immediately following Tuesday's election. He will be replaced by former Bush I CIA chief Robert Gates. Shoot, I thought Michael Brown was a shoo-in for that spot. Rumsfeld and Bush didn't say much about the departure, except for the requisite fellating of the Secretary of Defense by Bush for his long service at the Pentagon, and the President specifically highlighted Rumsfeld's excellent handling of the Draft riots of 1863.

The media is a abuzz with speculation on why Rumsfeld finally decided to leave the Defense Department. I'm pretty comfortable with rank incompetence and complete disregard for the safety and security of American soldiers and Iraqi civilians. Great, so it's settled.

Rumsfeld is undecided what military he's going to fuck up next, so right now he's weighing his options. Here's a couple of suggestions, courtesy of us here at Moderately Effed:

- The new host of The Price Is Right (Do I think you should guess a lower amount? Yeah. Is this vacation package to Phoenix overpriced? Absolutely. Would you like to try a game of Plinko? Maybe.)
- Gravedigger at Arlington cemetery
- Replacement for Sisyphus
- Form a comedy team with Robert McNamara

So long Mr. Secretary! Go fuck yourself!

Rejoice, Rejoice, we have no choice

So my final (and my next to final) predictions were slightly off, as it looks like the Democrats will pick up about 27 seats in the House, and if Jon Tester and Jim Webb hold their leads in Montana and Virginia respectively, they'll win the Senate, too, elevating Harry "I'll choke you the eff out" Reid to Majority Leader and officially marking the beginning of Bush: The Lame Duck Years, not to be confused with Bush: The Obfuscating Years, Bush: The Cocaine Years, Bush: The Asshole Years, Bush: The Business Failure Years, Bush: The Questioning War Veterans' Patriotism Years, Bush: The Alcoholic Years, Bush: The Yale Cheerleader Years, Bush: The Stolen Election Years (Parts 1 and 2), Bush: The Scorched Earth Years, or Bush: The Record Deficit Years.

Highlights (With more to come later in the week after my head starts spinning):

- Slimmed down Representative and Planet of the Apes extra JD Hayworth losing in Arizona. This is so sweet because of his constant appearances on Hannity & Colmes and also because he looks like a monkey.

- Rick Santorum losing his Senate seat (by 18 points!!!!) to a guy who may or not have a pulse. Then he and his 15 kids gave a very sad concession speech where for a moment I almost thought he was a human. But then that went away.

- Both New Hampshire Congressman, Bass and Bradley, losing to a children's musician (Hodes) and a woman who raised about $50 (Shea-Porter), respectively.

- Nearly a clean sweep in Pennsylvania, where Don "Ike Turner" Sherwood (who choked his mistress) and Curt Weldon (whose offices were searched by the FBI last week) both lost their reelection bids. Tragic, no?

- South Dakota voters rejecting an incredibly restrictive abortion ballot measure. I guess Dick Cheney wasn't able to shoot any sense into them.

- And finally, Katherine Harris got womped by Bill "I have no personality" Nelson. No commentary here, I kind of just want to bask in it.

(via Wonkette)

More updates, and finality to Macaca/Webb and Burns/Tester, to come...

Where the minority face the majority

It's EDAY!!!!!

And I will now rejigger my predictions, once again.

22 pickups in the House, 5 in the Senate ("Lancelot" Lincoln Chafee holds on), and the Republicans hold the majority. No more funny stuff today, I'm too nervous and jealous that I'm not out there in the thick of it.

He traveled with a gun in every hand (Part 2)

Once again, two posts in a day, but I somehow missed a wonderful story. Get ready, old Texas lawyers, Dick Cheney is locked and loaded.

Instead of his usual election day ritual of watching the results with his wife Lynne, calling Democrats cowards, and drinking the blood of Wyoming teenagers, Cheney will go on a hunting trip to South Dakota, where I assume he will hide from the media, sleep for several hours in his coffin, and then shoot George McGovern in the face.

As a side note, is this the bad memory that the Republicans want to put back in people's minds? A vanishing Vice President whose last hunting trip resulted in a septuegenarian taking birdshot to the face, having a heart attack, and nearly dying? What's next on their agenda? Flooding Detroit and invading Syria?

I also cook

On Friday, I promised to give my final predictions for Tuesday's elections, and once again I will note how bittersweet it is all for me, who got out of the game just in time for a Democratic wave in the House, Senate, and many governships, including my adopted home of Massachusetts. It feels so good, and yet I am jealous of my friends out there who will be in the midst of a victory party Tuesday night while I watch Tim Russert and Tom Brokaw.

My solace (other than the fact that Denny "Jabba" Hastert (R-Tatooine)* will be out of a job) is that I probably would have picked a Senate or House race that we would have ultimately lost.

House:
Democrats pick up 24 seats, Nancy Pelosi picks the nicest Suite in the Capital Rotunda, Denny Hastert sends sexual explicit emails to Rahm Emmanuel.

Senate:
I will amend last week's predictions and say that the Democrats will win 6 out of the 7 necessary seats (Adios, Macaca), losing only Harold "Vanilla" Ford in Tennesee, Harry Reid chokes Mitch McConnell, John Kerry emerges from hiding only to somehow insult Michael J. Fox.

Governorships:
No big news in these races as most are already decided, with the two tight ones being in Maryland and Minnesota. My picks: O'Malley knocks off Ehrlich in Maryland, Mike Hatch beats Tim Pawlenty in Minnesota, Deval Patrick wins in Massachusetts and in an attempt to show he's strong on crime, arrests and executes Kerry Healey, Arnold Schwarzenegger returns to acting in Kindergarten Cop 2, Elliott Spitzer accidentally sues himself on his way out of the Attorney General's office.

So, all in all, looking like it's going to be a fantastic day for the Democrats. In celebration, here's an hilarious photo of Steven Seagal playing the guitar:


* Trademarked by PK

See what had happened was...

Two posts in a day are rare, but...

'Straight' from the files of "I effed that guy but didn't really enjoy it", superpastor to the elite Ted Haggard admitted buying meth from male prostitute and adult film star wannabe Mike Jones after visiting him for a massage, but did not admit using the meth or carrying on a three year long gay relationship with him.

The money quote, from an apparently dazed (and possibly high on meth) Haggard:
"...I was buying it for me but I never used it. I was tempted, I bought it, but I never used it... He told me about it. I went there for a massage."

Can we create a national holiday to celebrate the eventual explanation?

Friday News Roundup

- 4 days from election day now, and the Republican and Democratic noise machines have gone relatively silent as the campaigns shift into GOTV (now the abbreviation for God Outs Tele Vangelists) For example, some of the lead stories on CNN.com this morning: Snoop Dogg arrested for carrying baton, Shakira wins four Latin Grammys (evidently, her hips are still trustworthy), and that whole gay evangelist thing. Oh, I almost forgot, when the President authorized declassification of some documents in the spring to bolster his motives for going to war in 2003, apparently they contained info that could help Iran build a nuclear weapon. Hey, has John Kerry said anything stupid in the last 24 hours?

- The world will run out of fish by 2050. Who cares? Real Americans eat pork.

- Kanye West lost out on the Best Video award at the MTV Europe, um, awards, and stormed on stage during the presentation to the winners and said his video "cost a million dollars. Pamela Anderson was in it. I was jumping across canyons." He of course was referring to his sex video with Pamela Anderson in it.

- On Monday I will make my final election day predictions, and on Tuesday, for the first time in four years, I will not be making Get Out the Vote calls or holding a sign or tallying results on an Excel spreadsheet. And, predictably, this will be the first election the Democrats will win.

Distraction

Five days out of the election now, and while most mainstream pundits have refocused on the actual races and polls that show Dems taking the House and within range of the Senate, Matt Drudge fills his site for the last two days with stories about John Kerry's butchering of a relatively unfunny joke and this actually funny response from some soldiers in Iraq:


You know what would have been a funnier banner? "Help us President Bush -- I don't have any body armor, my family is being harassed by debt collectors, my best friend was shot by a sniper last week, and I haven't met my daughter yet because my tour got extended by a year". I guess that would require a big banner.

This provides a perfect distraction for the Republicans; they can talk about the lack of respect for the military and "drudge" back up issues from the 2004 election -- for example how much of a numbskull John Kerry continues to be. Kerry diffused this the best way he could, which was to fight back and then disappear. Sounds like a good tactic if he runs for President again. Or just the disappear part.

Shut your face

In fun political news, Senator John Kerry (D-umbass) is making a bid to be the first person to lose two national elections while only running in one. Earlier this week, Kerry "flubbed a joke" about how dumb the President is by accidentally insinuating that students who don't study hard in school will end up in Iraq. Of course, what he meant to say was he actually voted for the $87 billion, before he voted against it, but hey, politics is politics.

Bush and his good time buddies went immediately on the war path (well, proverbial war path, because we all know how Bush and his friends feel about participating in actual war) and went after Kerry, criticizing him for insulting our troops in a time of war. Right wing talking heads demanded that democratic candidates nationwide denounce Kerry, and Teresa Heinz promptly divorced him and began a courtship with Illinois Senator Barack Obama.